Tag Archives: My musings

Do You Trust Me?

I feel myself descending into the pre-birthday funk. Since my 30th birthday a few years ago, I no longer get excited about my birthdays. Instead, I realize that I’m about to be another year older. I take stock of things and recognize that, in many areas of life, I am not where I always thought I would be at this age. Another year has passed and many dreams remain unmet. It weighs on me, and it just seems too late for a lot of things.

As I contemplate all of this while getting ready for church on Sunday, God enters the previously one-sided conversation:

God: Do you trust me?

Me: Well God, of course I trust you. I have believed in you for my entire life. I have entrusted my salvation to you. Duh.

(I know— it’s probably not a great idea to say “duh” to God. Thankfully, he puts up with me.)

Here is the point that God impressed on me in that moment:

Even though I know who God is . . . one who is big enough to forgive all of my sins;

Even though I know what God does . . . that he accepts me with open arms, extends his grace and mercy to me over and over;

Even though I trust God with my eternal salvation . . .

I still have a hard time trusting him with tomorrow.

Sure, I trust him with my salvation. I absolutely believe that he is sovereign, all-powerful, all-knowing, and the one who doesn’t make mistakes. So if I truly believe that, why can’t I rest in the knowledge that all of my tomorrows are safe in his hands?

Years ago, I gave a speech at my high school graduation. I recently found a copy of that speech at my parents’ house. I had not thought about it in a long time, but I used the following well-known quote in my address to our graduating class:

“I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow.”

There is no nice bow to wrap around this post and tie it all together. I just know that God is still teaching me something about faith. Something I thought I had figured out a long time ago.

allisonsign

3 Comments

Filed under Faith, God, My Crazy Life, Random

Because I Hear Her

Many times when I say that I am an aspiring writer, I get a lot of questions. What do you write about? Why do you write? Why do you blog? It is often difficult to explain my passion for my target audience (single women). But recently, I came across a song by Casting Crowns that explains it so well:

Does Anybody Hear Her?

Written by: Mark Hall

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon’s ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older
And she’s three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she’s going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she’s going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

Why do I write?

Because I hear her.

allisonsign

8 Comments

Filed under Faith, Writing

Finding ‘Hooray!’

My friend Hilary recently sent me a link to this diagram, and it has been on my mind a lot since then:

Source: Bud Caddell

I have spent most of my life, especially my career, in the area between ‘what I do well’ and ‘what I can be paid to do’. As you can see, that is the area which clearly instructs me to learn to say no. At first, that bold statement startled me. Say no? But I do it well and I get paid for doing it!

However, existing in that junction means that I completely disregard what I want to do in favor of: what I’m expected to do, what others want me to do, what I’m good at doing, what I am paid well to do, and so on. It’s the area where I use the word ‘should’ way too much. I should keep this job because I’m good at it. I should continue to climb the corporate ladder because I can … because I have something to prove … because what else would I do?

Well, I took the first step and got off the should cycle a while ago. The problem is—I haven’t found the thing (the job, career, project, livelihood) that fits the spot marked ‘Hooray!’. I love to write, but I’m not sure I do it well and I’m definitely not sure I can be paid to do it. I am a financial consultant—I do it well and I get paid to do it—but I don’t enjoy it.

See the dilemma? What do you think? Have you found your ‘Hooray!’ spot? Any suggestions?

allisonsign

3 Comments

Filed under My Crazy Life, Random

Broken

I struggle with being a perfectionist. I hate doing stupid things. Actually, I rarely do stupid things because I like pretending that I have it all together. Of course, I don’t. But it always really deflates me when I really mess up. I realize that striving for perfectionism is the opposite of what God wants for us. Which is interesting because many people believe that faith requires following a bunch of rules. In reality, God can finally use us once we realize that we’re broken messes. Sometimes I feel like he is saying, “thank goodness she finally gets it—I can use her now that she realizes her brokenness and my strength.” I think that Francesca Battistelli puts it so well in her song Free To Be Me:

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I’m so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I’m free to be me

Every time I hear this song on the radio, I am stunned by the simplicity of the statement, “perfection is my enemy.” Because for my whole life, my heart and mind have believed the opposite—that perfection is the goal. I love how God has blasted the truth into my life in so many ways lately. He is not asking me to be perfect. Although he is sanctifying me and bringing me closer to him, it’s not really about me at all. I am his vessel; God just wants me to understand how broken I am because then his love and forgiveness can shine through. It’s about him using my life to further his plan and his kingdom.

I want to share something that I wrote back in the spring at a women’s retreat. I never planned to post this, but God is weaving this theme through my life right now. I hope that he uses this to speak to someone else too:

Why did you choose this vessel?
Cracked, broken, ugly, unclean
What if I contaminate those around me instead of sharing your love with them?
What if I am no different from non-believers; what if my life has no fruit? no joy?
And the Lord responds,
It’s not about you—it’s about me
Me molding you, changing you
Turning weakness into strength
Making whole what is broken
Healing your heart, accepting you, forgiving you
Holding you in my arms and filling you with my water
Teaching you to be joyful like the child playing in the leaves—
At peace with herself because she is a child of the King.

4 Comments

Filed under Faith, God, Random